I have no idea as to its origin, meaning, or outcome.
I know it exists because it is in your hand.
i have to urgently.
ask for your minimal cooperation in the benignity of a simple telephone call, ruled out for the good of your emotional health and your scheduled visit.
This, however, can not wait.
I would expedite cessation of exercise, and I would be surprised if you disagreed, that as deeply as I have grown to understand you (including a complete failure on my part to engage you in the serious matters which perhaps our relationship was held back from mining by lack of intimacy or unsatisfactory methods of communication, which I for one, as you know, believe causes difficulty, but whose roadblocks of communication you remain not in agreement.
I have enjoyed and processed the unexpected (thank you for the attempt you did make, as you say, over and over, to which I must toothlessly hang my head forgetting minor disagreements, and do my best to mindfully for myself and my happiness, be more responsive and engaged in their relevant accountability which I am responsible, or have the perception of your displeasure.
This overwrought catharsis which we... (I share)...I have maneuvered myself, aided by an overabundant archive of undeniable evidence as to its legitimacy and inconsolable regret, and incomprehension myself that I, a fully emotionally evolved person, no stranger, and supporter for the importance and essential endowment for women's struggle for equality, empowerment, and radical gender-shifting improvement for themselves, which begins with abolishing traditional, formerly ingrained generational legacy, from patriarchal denial of the sad state of man / woman equality roles in past and their rejection in the present... so the first three months of what I consider an emotionally and sexually charged, compatibly reciprocal love affair, the likes of which in my experienced I had never known, whose romantic, intellectual and sexual spell I found myself under, and whose benefit provided me to explore and reappraise with the unenviable perspective of a too-sad failure which I now try to understand and correct.
I researched any recorded, remembered, recoverable repository to which either I access.
I gathered information which might therapeutically assuage my pain of loss to the cause to whose actions I had been entirely surprised and crushed, had resorted as the person I deeply loved, respected, even adored, assured me was my doing, which now my actions to do differently, were leading for discovery and elucidation for the manner and motive of what only I could determine to be an absolute priority to find and begin to fix myself.
I failed to seek extra input and shrugged responsibility of my actions to you.
now with no involvement from you, nor any required, I understand my responsibility by fallout of your decision and deployment, I necessitated it so.
for my cathartic pain, enforced retreat and contemplative period of time, while not unpleasant, would certainly beat to which I had become accustomed, an overwhelming sorrowful realization of your absence from my world.
poring over email, texts, messages, personal writings, and published fiction, I discovered both emphatic bullet points to your waxing and waning dissatisfaction and frustration and sadness addressed and somehow peregrinate again like some runaway demon dog who missed his master's shitty dogfood.
your call to let me know how you were never came, but its absence and my understanding was crystal clear, revealed as snippets of text or protestations of innocence or surprise, to noticeably cooling exhortations and impactful whispers of love or emotion you had necessity to transmit as you wished.
the opportunity to put closure , I hate that word, but fully close and fully reconstruct the unnaturally quick dilapidation of this house and its unpleasant , though sometimes understandable, fraught infinite possibility, frustration, limitation, practicality, and our age, and the age we acted, not from immaturity but from some like-minded raised by wolves feral wonder we found each other ourselves in us together, more lupine than human, more pack-minded than lone survivor ...
i hope you get the true tenor of what I have discovered; the quest I've begun to find again, and care I intend to put toward its extrication, restoration and continued preservation, by me.
